I am not a gambler. I have seen people who gamble throw their money at dreams that never materialize. The casinos don’t return it later if you need it back. This is not to say that I have never gambled, but in general it’s not a thrill for me and I’d rather save that money or spend it on a tangible item. Casinos hold no interest for me. But that being said, every now and then, perhaps once or twice a year, I will buy a few tickets to dream.
Everyone dreams, and everyone talks about what they would do if they won the lottery. But as we all know, you have to play in order to win. Logically I completely understand that purchasing lottery tickets is the equivalent of throwing money out your car window, and for that reason I rarely do it. But sometimes in my travels I will pass by a certain gas station that will sometimes put out a big sign when the jackpot gets high and those times I will occasionally start to dream.
I’m at a crossroads in my life right now. I’ve been spending the past several months trying to decide where I want to go from here, what I want to do with my remaining allotment of time on earth. Or at least for this next chapter. I am not religious, I do not believe in a higher power and I do not believe in afterlife. I have often said that I hope to live a long and happy life and I hope at the end of it to look back with no regrets for missed opportunities. That idea has lead me to many exciting and interesting pursuits so far and even when those paths have lead me to failure I have appreciated the journey. But at the moment my journey is stagnating a bit.
A few days ago I was traveling past that station and the sign was out and as it turned out I needed gas too. It sure seemed like the universe was pointing me to buy a ticket, and I did. I purchased a ticket to ride the train of possibilites and see where it took me. Two hundred and fifty two million possibilities. What would I do? I spent the next few days imagining it, wondering what choices I would make, wondering how my life would change and hoping not only to win, but more importantly, hoping that this exercise would shed some light on the darkness in my life right now.
The jackpot drawing was last night. I did not stay up to watch it, I was tired and turned in early. But this morning amid the chaos of the usual getting ready for school routine I did remember to check the numbers. And now this little exercise has come to a close with the following results:
1. I did not figure out what is next. I am still working on that and the process is very difficult. Unfortunately, my ticket to dream did not show me a clear path to a wonderful happy future. I guess that the lesson here is that there is no easy answer. I still have more hard work ahead of me, there is no free ride and I suppose that if there was it wouldn’t be that great after all. It’s hard to appreciate a free ride, but it’s a lot easier to appreciate something that you work hard to attain.
2. I did with the lottery. Well, I won my money back plus a few extra dollars. So it wasn’t a complete waste, and I guess the universe was giving me a pass plus a tiny bit of bonus. No free ride for me, but a tiny litte affirmation that if I want it and if I go for it there is more out there for me than what I have right now.
I just need to figure out exactly what that is.
